This year, thus far, is made of the highest highs and lowest lows. In fact, it feels exactly like the start of Dickens’ Tale of Two Cities. “It was the best of times, it was the worst of times…”
In January, I eloped in a beautiful ceremony in Denmark. Then, I had a serious health scare, culminating in my first-ever surgery. A few months later, two of my grandparents were diagnosed with cancer. Luckily, my husband and I were able to travel to the west coast to spend precious time with them, and a few days later, we had a beautiful wedding celebration with family and friends.
Life is full of ups and downs, but rarely do they happen in such extremes right on top of one another. On this emotional roller coaster, I am acutely aware of how much the good times are possible because of the bad times, and vice versa. If loved ones weren’t so dear, we wouldn’t miss them when they’re gone. Ill health reminds us to be deeply grateful when we are well.
It is the highs that define the lows, and the lows that define the highs.
All this leaves me overwhelmed by love and a renewed understanding of how fragile and fleeting life is. If nothing else, this year (thus far!) is a reminder of the certainty of beginnings and endings, and that this moment — right here, right now — is all we really ever have.
Last week, Moorea Seal mentioned in an Instagram story the concept of “evidence of self care”: in her case, a car that she took the time to get detailed, since having a clean space benefits her mental health.
I’ve been thinking about this since.
For me, self care is a tidy living room, a clean load of laundry, shoes on my feet as I talk a walk around my neighborhood, wet hair from a shower, or a nutritious meal on a plate.
When you look around – at your home or your body – what evidence of self care do you see? Do you see evidence of self love? If not, in what tangible ways can you change that?
Ten years ago today, on April 28, 2011, a friend of mine took her own life at the young age of 23. In her honor, I’m reposting what I wrote after I learned of her death and sharing resources for mental health crises.
I knew her in high school. She was in my grade, only a few months older, beautiful, outgoing, and confident. She had a clear and smooth singing voice. I admired her. I envied the way she carried herself and how she seemed to have life so organized and all figured out; I wanted the stability and assuredness she possessed.
We were very similar in some ways: we were creative and romantics, dreamers in love with Lucy Maud Montgomery‘s beautiful books. And, it seems, we shared a secret, dark, lonely place of depression, loneliness, and uncertainty. I struggled, forcing myself to keep moving forward, one day at a time. Some days are still difficult, but I have found the path into the light. Today, she gave up.
My heart aches for this gorgeous woman, for her husband and family who are struggling with confusion, guilt, and pain. Please keep them in your hearts, thoughts, and prayers.
You deserve to wake up every morning to the sun.
Depression is very real. It is painful and lonely and suffocating, and the world feels as if it is caving in on you. But you are not alone. You are NOT alone. You are not alone in your suffering, and you do not have to be alone in finding a way out. You – yes, you, you beautiful, magnificent being – are endlessly, hugely loved; you deserve every happiness; you deserve life. The guilt, heartache, loneliness, and hurt can be released. There are answers, and the black veil can be lifted. Yes, even for you, my dear. Call the number below, or write anonymously at Postsecret Community. If you feel you can, reach out to a family member or friend and tell them that you need their help.
You deserve to wake up every morning to the sun. You deserve to make decisions about what you want to do tomorrow, and next month, and next year. You deserve to do what you love, to watch the spring bloom around you, to go on adventures and to daydream. You deserve to give yourself a chance to find your way out of the dark, deep hole that seems to have no escape, and others deserve to have a chance to show you just how much they love you. Please, give them that chance.
1 – 800 – 442 – HOPE Trained individuals are available 24/7
Call this number if you ever feel as if you are losing the struggle to continue forward. Call if you’re unsure if you “qualify”. Call if you feel lonely, or sad, or if you don’t know how you feel. The people on the other end are available 24/7 and love you deeply, deeply, deeply, and will hold you and guide you into the light. I promise.
Some more resources:
National suicide/crisis hotlines: 1-800-273-TALK or 1-800-SUICIDE (both available 24/7 in both English and Spanish)
HOPELINE: “Text HOPELINE to 741741 — from anywhere, anytime, about any type of challenge or struggle. Help and hope is just a text away.™”
Between a pandemic and relentless capitalist culture — and also this question of “What is your quarantine masterpiece?” that still lingers over my head a year into COVID — I am getting increasingly frustrated with the idea of being consistently productive in the face of such overwhelming circumstances.
In his newsletter last week, Austin Kleon shared this video by Ali Abdaal (titled, not subtly, “How Writing Online Made me a Millionaire”). Yes, Ali’s thoughts are interesting and helpful and inspiring…
… but this still emphasizes an end product that is the result of extreme focus, and at this point in time I find it laughably depressing. If you do everything I do, maybe you can find even find your life partner, Ali says in the video above. Okay.
During the pandemic, I have mastered the art of stacking dirty dishes high in the sink. My cats are still alive. Netflix has been nearly conquered. Most of the time, both my day pajamas and the night pajamas are clean.
Sometimes I paint. Sometimes (maybe once a month, if I’m feeling it) I journal.
And most of the time, I feel like I’m failing, wasting time, and that I need to be more productive in order to prove my worth.
So — to Austin and Ali and everyone else who is driven and consistent and has a huge amount of work to show for it: I am seriously impressed. And sure, I am jealous. And I’ll get there someday, but for now, I’m going to keep myself and my furry companions alive and get through as best I can.
September marks six months of living with a pandemic — six months of face masks, hand sanitizer, uncertainty, heightened anxiety, restricted travel and social gatherings, and for many, six months of serious hardship, financial instability, and the pain of losing a loved one to this disease. September is also Suicide Prevention Awareness month.
I’m going to cut right to it, love: this shit is hard, and it’s ok if you’re struggling.
In fact, it would be a surprise to me if you weren’t struggling in some way.
The thing I need to keep reminding myself is that I can only see how I am responding to this crisis. Others’ coping strategies are much harder to spot, especially through a screen. You may feel that you’re the only one who’s unproductive, distracted, or disorganized, or that the ratio of chores completed to Netflix shows binged is way out of balance (ahem: me). But others truly are in the same boat. We just can’t see their struggle the same way we can see our own.
In the spirit of acknowledging and prioritizing mental health this month, I want to share some resources for professional support and then share a few things that, in addition to regular therapy appointments, help me to put one foot in front of the other on the hardest days.
Mental Health Support
The National (US) suicide hotline number is 1 (800) 273-8255. Please reach out if you’re struggling, even if you feel embarrassed, even if you don’t think you “qualify”, even if you’re not sure. You deserve support, and they are there for you without judgment.
If you prefer non-phone support for urgent mental health needs, try the chatline at Lifeline.com (there may be a wait time) or reach the Crisis Text Line by texting HOME to 741741. Again, these are both services within the US.
For those outside of the United States, here is a list of resources for support in your country.
Reach out to your health insurance company or your employer to see if they are waiving any fees to see counselors or therapists during the pandemic. You can also find therapists that offer sliding scale payment options. It takes some effort to find this professional help, but it is so, so worth it and is one of the best investments you can make in yourself.
Everyday Self Care
For a long time I thought that self care meant simply indulging when I felt down, without restraint; now I know that it means parenting myself with love and giving my body and my mind what they actually need in order to function. I matter, and I need to treat myself well. You do, too.
Listed below are a few small things that I rely on days when I am really struggling. Sometimes a shower is the only thing I accomplish on a given day; other times, it’s just the jump start I need to get a few other things done. None of these is a substitute for professional help, but I do know that each one is a small act of self love that makes me feel just a tiny bit better.
Take a shower
Get outside
Eat and stay hydrated
Create
Go to bed at a reasonable hour
In sum: this shit is hard. It’s so, so hard. And you need, and you deserve, to take care of yourself as you’re dealing with something that is unprecedented in our lifetimes. Fill your cup. Please use these resources. You are worth it. You really are.
Together, we will get through this and someday things will be different. Sending so much love.
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