Both/And

What does one do when it feels like the world as we know it might be ending? Anything I might say or do feels like too much or not enough.

On one hand, I want to acknowledge and bear witness to big global and political crises and the sense of powerlessness I am (and I know so many others are) experiencing. On the other, I also want to retreat into analogue things: shunning the torrent of awful news, going on noticing walks and being in nature, creating art, reading, making things with my hands, being in community. I want to be present and proactive and I also want to cocoon until it’s all over.

You’d think my art journal would be the perfect place to dump all the contradictions and explore the both/and of this timeline. But I’ve felt paralyzed.

For all my talk about making ugly art, I’ve resisted a strong urge to rediscover old practices that I used to use regularly in my work: collage, words, exploration, play, and lots of different materials and techniques. I wanted to explore chaos and disjointedness and wildness, but I had cultivated a style! What would my art journal look if I abandoned it? I’ve taken a lot of pride in having journals with a cohesive, strong graphic voice.

So I tried to force myself to stay within the guidelines that I myself created. But (surprise!) resisting my intuition meant the creative muse left me entirely.

For months, I didn’t touch my art journal.

Only recently have I given in and allowed myself to reach for whatever materials I want, dig into raw feelings, and meet myself on the page. And whatd’ya know… now it’s a joy — not a chore — to create again. My art, I’m learning, must reflect my internal world, whatever that might look like in the moment. Good or bad, or good and bad.

So much of life is both/and: the gray spaces where conflicting experiences or feelings or thoughts are simultaneously real and true. Joy and sorrow coexist and the difficult and the beautiful happen simultaneously. And right now, my art journal reflects all of it.

Somehow, I know that as long as we show up with authenticity — with ourselves and with one another — we’ll make it through. To stay healthy, we need to be honest with ourselves and speak to all the contradictions of what we are experiencing. It’s critical we take care of ourselves and one another.

It’s critical we make art, no matter what it looks like.